My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
