I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
