while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
