plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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