Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
