im drinking this country out of the recession.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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