Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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