$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
