The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
