nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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