My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
