No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Drunk is not a location!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
