My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
how does that bad decision feel?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
