Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
