You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
