I'm so fucking centered right now
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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