everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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