The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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