his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
