We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The feeling are messing with the penis
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
