ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I need moral support for this bender
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
