I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
