sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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