I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
