I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
