why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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