I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
