Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I did not marry a roomba.
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