a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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