People with herpes should wear stickers.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
