i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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