You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
