Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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