Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
