Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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