fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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