I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
