I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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