i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
