That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
