you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
