Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
