There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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