well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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