I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
pray to the hookup gods
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
