now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
