apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
