I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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