i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
