So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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