Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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