Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
