its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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