the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
