Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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