Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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