Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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