dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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