i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
