woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
