i think i have two assholes
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Randomize
