she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
