Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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